She nods. Okay, that's something. At least she isn't the only one who feels mortified when they have to utter the word "sorry."
And then: You have siblings, don't you?
Clarisse screws up her face, trying to think of a way to answer the question honestly but without making it sound unhinged. There really isn't one.
"Technically, yes. But I didn't grow up with them. We only got brought to camp once we were old enough, and we all lived together there, but it wasn't like..." She shrugs one shoulder. A family. "We were like an army."
A small army. Made up entirely of teenagers.
"I wouldn't apologize to one of them any more than Flint would apologize to me."
That's a little sad to her, siblings who aren't really family. Growing up alone, then joining an army. "That makes sense as to why you're out of practice, then.
But the Commander would apologise to you, if he thought it were necessary. Wouldn't he?"
Actually, she doesn't know Flint. Maybe he wouldn't? She thinks that Byerly certainly would if the situation called for it. Musing, now, "It's so much harder to say sorry to people who outrank you, I think. It's hard to make it seem like anything other than groveling."
Clarisse doubts it, but it's nothing personal against Flint. More like a commanding officer thing.
Anyway.
"I guess I find it hard no matter who I'm talking to," she mumbles. "If I outrank them, it makes me look weak. If they outrank me, like you said, it's groveling." Uuuughh, why is this shit so annoying?
"Maybe you should try to think of it a different way," Gela suggests. "I personally think it takes a great deal of strength to apologise properly, especially when you don't want to do it."
She holds her thoughtful expression for a moment before her nose scrunches up.
Look, Clarisse isn't going to save anyone's feelings here, but at the same time she's not sure she totally disagrees with Gela's assessment. Maybe there's some middle ground she can land on, someday.
She chews her bottom lip, holding onto the cup of tea with both hands until the heat starts to hurt her palms. "My father would disagree with you. And for him, being weak is the worst thing you can be. 'Anything cracked will shatter at a touch.'" She exhales slowly. "I'm trying to figure out how much of what he told me is bullshit, but it's hard."
Gela mutters, under her breath, "He's not the first father to," disagree with her, that is, and then she cups her hand over her mouth like she didn't mean to say it. She waits for a moment, just in case there's more there that might slip out. It seems okay.
"I think a lot of it was." It seems important, to say this. "For one thing, plates crack and shatter. Cups too, or window panes.
But you're a person, Clarisse. We are more complicated than that."
That muttered comment gets Clarisse to raise her eyebrows. It's questioning, but she doesn't ask out loud—not yet, anyway.
"That's what I'm learning."
Even saying that, for her, is huge.
"I feel a little like I wasn't..." She stops herself from saying taught; that's a step too far over the line. "Like I didn't know much, before I got here," is what she settles on.
She tries not to point out that Clarisse is barely twenty years old.
... What was she like at that age? Did she feel like she knew much? She's thinking of a different person, a Gela unburdened by bad luck. She sighs, and cups her palm around the back of her neck underneath of her hair, holding herself, suddenly uncharacteristically moody.
Eventually, this shift in tone relents. She straightens, and reaches for her cup. "If the best time to learn it was before you got here, surely the second best time is now."
So she's doing well. "What else are you learning?"
The shift in Gela's mood is obvious, and Clarisse isn't sure what to do about it. For one thing, she's not sure what exactly brought it on—something she said, that much is clear, but what? Should she apologize?
She can't apologize. That's what this whole conversation has been about. She'd have a heart attack. She's looking a little sweaty about it already.
And then Gela seems to recover just as quickly, leaving Clarisse even more confused.
"That I don't have to take myself so seriously all the time, I guess." She takes a sip of her tea. "And how to, like... bake bread."
Gela, sensing this confusion, smiles to let her know it's all okay.
She says, "I'm learning to make friends again?" Which is slightly embarrassing to admit to! "It was hard to make and keep them while I was travelling around."
You can't even write to people, when you've no permanent address. She hooks her finger around a curl of her hair as she's speaking and pulls it out, straight. When she lets it go again, it jumps back into shape and nearly gets in her teacup, but she doesn't seem to notice that. "And how to use a knife properly. Ellie is teaching me."
Clarisse nods—she doesn't think it's embarrassing that Gela is figuring out how to make friends after years of being on the move. Sounds like a valid reason if you ask her—and is in the middle of snorting over Gela's curl nearly sproinging into her teacup when she's suddenly reminded of the fact that Gela knows about her and Ellie. Or at least knew that they were hooking up, doing that ridiculous "we're just friends who sleep together!" thing. Said they should have rules, apparently.
The tips of her ears go red, but she soldiers on.
"Ellie's great with knives," she agrees. "You couldn't find a better teacher. Well, except for me."
The look on Gela's face, so excited and genuine, gets Clarisse smiling too. She can't help it. What Ellie said earlier reoccurs to her: She was excited, it was kinda sweet.
"We can talk about it," she says. "I mean, if you want to."
Please, she's dying to dish about it, but she doesn't want to be the weirdo who makes someone else listen to her talk about her relationship. Still, this is already a better reaction than she's ever gotten from her roommate, so it's a good sign.
"Ellie told me it came up with you guys once before. Ellie told me recently, I mean. But your conversation must have happened a while ago, because apparently you told her we should have rules, but she ignored you and now we're dating." Haha! Wild!
And she has a feeling Clarisse does too, judging by the way she just sat up a little straighter in her chair and edged closer to the table. Gela leans in too, now that they're doing proper gossip, elbows up on the table.
She laughs instantly when Clarisse mentions Ellie telling her about that, interrupting delightedly to tell her, "Oh! I knew it! That's so nice. How long have you been dating for?"
Ellie hadn't said a word! Gela is making a mental note to bully her about it later...
Clarisse has to think about it for a second, and sounds almost surprised when she answers: "Since Guardian."
In her defense, it doesn't feel like it's been five months already. It's felt like it's gone by in a flash, and also like she's known Ellie forever. Then again, Clarisse is coming up on one year since she ended up in Thedas. It's at the end of this month, in fact. And she met Ellie pretty soon after she got here, and they were fooling around soon after that, so it makes sense, but—
Gela's eyebrows raise. "No wonder she didn't take my advice."
By then it was past of the point of rules. She imagines they fell for each other swiftly and without realising it, which is such a romantic thought that she sighs with her chin in her hand. "I'm so happy for you both.
Is there a story? Who said something first?"
She really does want all the details Clarisse, hit her with them!
And unfortunately for Gela, Clarisse has had a while to think about all this and basically nobody to talk about it with, so she's gonna get the whole rambling mess.
"Ellie said something first. It was after she came back from a mission and we were hanging out in her room—" If by hanging out you mean cuddling in her bed, obviously— "but it honestly felt like we were together way before that. I mean, we went on a date during Wintermarch, in New York. We held hands the whole time."
She runs a fingertip up the side of her cup. "It sounds really dumb now, because we kept saying we were just friends but we were never just friends from the very start, you know? But I think we were both scared we were going to screw everything up if we said anything."
Gela shakes her head. "That's not dumb. It's hard, moving it all from one thing to another."
Sleeping with somebody, wanting to move along into dating them, having to tell them that, it's very hard. It can feel so dramatic. Gela remembers. She pinks up suddenly, attention darting elsewhere, teeth pressing into her lip.
That Ellie said something first is very charming, especially since she was the one nervously telling Gela a few details out on the ice, that Satinalia. She says, knowing the answer already but wanting to hear it directly from Clarisse, "Are you very happy?"
It's true, and maybe she didn't realize it until this exact moment. Not that she's happy, but how happy she is. Even rolling out of bed in the morning with the sun barely up, ready for drills and work. Even doing thankless heavy lifting, or riding out for a mission where she knows she'll end up dirty and exhausted and maybe hurt. Happy.
She is, it's so nice to hear about things like this, it's something she's really missed while she was traveling. Gossip will go anywhere, but it doesn't much matter unless you care about the people being gossiped about. And like seeing them happy, and trying to bashfully hide it away. Cute.
To answer Clarisse's question, "No."
Well. "There's Jude, but it's not anything serious." Which she likes, very much.
"You hook up with Jude?" Clarisse isn't really shocked to be finding this out; she's definitely seen Jude and Gela talk before and they seem pretty friendly with each other. Still, it's a pleasant little surprise.
"Good for you. He's hot." And he makes good pancakes.
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And then: You have siblings, don't you?
Clarisse screws up her face, trying to think of a way to answer the question honestly but without making it sound unhinged. There really isn't one.
"Technically, yes. But I didn't grow up with them. We only got brought to camp once we were old enough, and we all lived together there, but it wasn't like..." She shrugs one shoulder. A family. "We were like an army."
A small army. Made up entirely of teenagers.
"I wouldn't apologize to one of them any more than Flint would apologize to me."
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That's a little sad to her, siblings who aren't really family. Growing up alone, then joining an army. "That makes sense as to why you're out of practice, then.
But the Commander would apologise to you, if he thought it were necessary. Wouldn't he?"
Actually, she doesn't know Flint. Maybe he wouldn't? She thinks that Byerly certainly would if the situation called for it. Musing, now, "It's so much harder to say sorry to people who outrank you, I think. It's hard to make it seem like anything other than groveling."
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Anyway.
"I guess I find it hard no matter who I'm talking to," she mumbles. "If I outrank them, it makes me look weak. If they outrank me, like you said, it's groveling." Uuuughh, why is this shit so annoying?
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She holds her thoughtful expression for a moment before her nose scrunches up.
"Too cheesy?"
Might be, huh.
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Look, Clarisse isn't going to save anyone's feelings here, but at the same time she's not sure she totally disagrees with Gela's assessment. Maybe there's some middle ground she can land on, someday.
She chews her bottom lip, holding onto the cup of tea with both hands until the heat starts to hurt her palms. "My father would disagree with you. And for him, being weak is the worst thing you can be. 'Anything cracked will shatter at a touch.'" She exhales slowly. "I'm trying to figure out how much of what he told me is bullshit, but it's hard."
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"I think a lot of it was." It seems important, to say this. "For one thing, plates crack and shatter. Cups too, or window panes.
But you're a person, Clarisse. We are more complicated than that."
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"That's what I'm learning."
Even saying that, for her, is huge.
"I feel a little like I wasn't..." She stops herself from saying taught; that's a step too far over the line. "Like I didn't know much, before I got here," is what she settles on.
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... What was she like at that age? Did she feel like she knew much? She's thinking of a different person, a Gela unburdened by bad luck. She sighs, and cups her palm around the back of her neck underneath of her hair, holding herself, suddenly uncharacteristically moody.
Eventually, this shift in tone relents. She straightens, and reaches for her cup. "If the best time to learn it was before you got here, surely the second best time is now."
So she's doing well. "What else are you learning?"
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She can't apologize. That's what this whole conversation has been about. She'd have a heart attack. She's looking a little sweaty about it already.
And then Gela seems to recover just as quickly, leaving Clarisse even more confused.
"That I don't have to take myself so seriously all the time, I guess." She takes a sip of her tea. "And how to, like... bake bread."
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She says, "I'm learning to make friends again?" Which is slightly embarrassing to admit to! "It was hard to make and keep them while I was travelling around."
You can't even write to people, when you've no permanent address. She hooks her finger around a curl of her hair as she's speaking and pulls it out, straight. When she lets it go again, it jumps back into shape and nearly gets in her teacup, but she doesn't seem to notice that. "And how to use a knife properly. Ellie is teaching me."
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The tips of her ears go red, but she soldiers on.
"Ellie's great with knives," she agrees. "You couldn't find a better teacher. Well, except for me."
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"So it's going well, then."
Presumably.
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"It is." She takes another sip of her tea, because at least the cup will hide some of her face.
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"Do you want to talk about it?"
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"We can talk about it," she says. "I mean, if you want to."
Please, she's dying to dish about it, but she doesn't want to be the weirdo who makes someone else listen to her talk about her relationship. Still, this is already a better reaction than she's ever gotten from her roommate, so it's a good sign.
"Ellie told me it came up with you guys once before. Ellie told me recently, I mean. But your conversation must have happened a while ago, because apparently you told her we should have rules, but she ignored you and now we're dating." Haha! Wild!
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And she has a feeling Clarisse does too, judging by the way she just sat up a little straighter in her chair and edged closer to the table. Gela leans in too, now that they're doing proper gossip, elbows up on the table.
She laughs instantly when Clarisse mentions Ellie telling her about that, interrupting delightedly to tell her, "Oh! I knew it! That's so nice. How long have you been dating for?"
Ellie hadn't said a word! Gela is making a mental note to bully her about it later...
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In her defense, it doesn't feel like it's been five months already. It's felt like it's gone by in a flash, and also like she's known Ellie forever. Then again, Clarisse is coming up on one year since she ended up in Thedas. It's at the end of this month, in fact. And she met Ellie pretty soon after she got here, and they were fooling around soon after that, so it makes sense, but—
damn.
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By then it was past of the point of rules. She imagines they fell for each other swiftly and without realising it, which is such a romantic thought that she sighs with her chin in her hand. "I'm so happy for you both.
Is there a story? Who said something first?"
She really does want all the details Clarisse, hit her with them!
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And unfortunately for Gela, Clarisse has had a while to think about all this and basically nobody to talk about it with, so she's gonna get the whole rambling mess.
"Ellie said something first. It was after she came back from a mission and we were hanging out in her room—" If by hanging out you mean cuddling in her bed, obviously— "but it honestly felt like we were together way before that. I mean, we went on a date during Wintermarch, in New York. We held hands the whole time."
She runs a fingertip up the side of her cup. "It sounds really dumb now, because we kept saying we were just friends but we were never just friends from the very start, you know? But I think we were both scared we were going to screw everything up if we said anything."
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Sleeping with somebody, wanting to move along into dating them, having to tell them that, it's very hard. It can feel so dramatic. Gela remembers. She pinks up suddenly, attention darting elsewhere, teeth pressing into her lip.
That Ellie said something first is very charming, especially since she was the one nervously telling Gela a few details out on the ice, that Satinalia. She says, knowing the answer already but wanting to hear it directly from Clarisse, "Are you very happy?"
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It's true, and maybe she didn't realize it until this exact moment. Not that she's happy, but how happy she is. Even rolling out of bed in the morning with the sun barely up, ready for drills and work. Even doing thankless heavy lifting, or riding out for a mission where she knows she'll end up dirty and exhausted and maybe hurt. Happy.
She clears her throat, a little embarrassed.
"What about you? You, like, seeing anybody?"
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She is, it's so nice to hear about things like this, it's something she's really missed while she was traveling. Gossip will go anywhere, but it doesn't much matter unless you care about the people being gossiped about. And like seeing them happy, and trying to bashfully hide it away. Cute.
To answer Clarisse's question, "No."
Well. "There's Jude, but it's not anything serious." Which she likes, very much.
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"Good for you. He's hot." And he makes good pancakes.
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Re: Ellie, who is a little young for Gela sure, but she isn't blind.
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"I think so."
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